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Waiting for Trudeau

Despite what my coffee mug says (and as many of you can confirm) I may not actually be the World’s Greatest Lawyer. Despite that, I’ve somehow managed to become president-elect of Richland County Bar. Thankfully, that doesn’t start until next year. My advance plea for your help in that endeavor is below.

Meantime, since it would be wrong for one person to grasp the levers of both government and the press (however Stalinesquesly cool that sounds) we had to find a new Editor for this newsletter. Enter, my good friend Mike Polk.

Those of you who know Mike already know what a great job he will do. I met Mike in contracts class twenty-five years ago. We were freaked-out little first semester 1L’s, getting picked off one-by-one by the Socratic Method, until one day when Mike’s number came up. I can’t even remember what the Professor asked him or what he said. I just remember that his response was hilarious and that everyone fell out of their yellow molded plastic chairs laughing except Mike, who had delivered his clever retort with perfect deadpan sincerity. I’ve been a fan ever since. You will be too.

I wish it were this easy to pick presidents. I wish we could all just get together and find a normal, thoughtful, funny, stand-up guy or gal with no major baggage or obvious megalomania. Alas, that animal appears to exist only in remote northern climates; specifically, Ottawa. I’m referring of course to Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.

First off, he seems like a nice guy. Even as the son of a former prime minister, he went to college to become a school teacher, and then actually taught school. He’s open about his past – including marijuana use and the fact a Millennium Falcon Lego set he ostensibly bought for his kid was really for him. He can dance. He can box (but he doesn’t use it against campaign protesters). And instead of attacking opponents in campaign ads, he makes fun of himself (“Different Hair, Same Platform”).

Our political process is now fully incapable of producing such a person organically. So, here’s what I’m thinking: we trade for him.

This is not without historic precedent. In 1984, the New York Mets made one of the greatest trades of the modern era when they sent four players to the Montreal Expos for Gary Carter, all-star catcher and one of the top power hitters in major league baseball. Who did they have to give up? Hubie Brooks, Mike Fitzgerald, Herm Winningham, and Floyd Youmans. Not even two years later, future Hall-ofFamer Carter hit the 12th inning single against the Astros that won Game 5 of the NCLS, and then hit the 10th-inning single against the Boston Red Sox that started the fabled comeback rally in Game 6 of the World Series, which the Mets also won.

Why can’t we do this? Surely, Trudeau is ready to move to a bigger market. Personally, I would trade Trump, Kasich, Cruz, Clinton and Sanders – five players in all – for Trudeau. Are you listening Canada? We may even throw in some cash and future Senate draft picks. We can make Trudeau feel welcome by eating French Fries with Donuts and moving the capital to Myrtle Beach. People from Charleston already say “aboot.” South Carolina is ready for this. And I think it’s the next logical step in implementing NAFTA.

Will you help me with this? I know it’s probably unconstitutional. But that shouldn’t stand in the way if it’s something we really want to do, right? OK, maybe not. Well, if you won’t support this, I hope you will at least help me as president. I would love to have your comments, questions, advice and anything else on your mind before taking office. Email me anytime at dave@consumerlawsc.com or on Twitter @ConsumerLawSC.

Between now and then, I’ll be taking a writing break. Everyone have a great summer, and hope to see you in Myrtle Beach at the Trudeau 2020 Rally, where we’ll be handing out free cruellers and LaBatts.

Thanks for everything, cheers, and au revois!